by Rabbi Zev Schostak
It’s tough being a child at any age. When we were teenagers, we thought our parents were not “with it,” out of touch, not cool. We were told not to trust anyone over 30, which, coincidentally, included most of the adults that we knew. Mark Twain put it best: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
It was only when we became adults and started families of our own that we began to fully appreciate the wisdom of our parents who “had been there, done that.” This didn’t mean that we necessarily consulted them on major issues. We were often too proud and headstrong to do that. But we did see them in a new light. When we experienced the challenges of raising our own children, we started to realize what our parents might have gone through when raising us. Above all, we knew that, when push came to shove, we could count on them. They would be there for us just as they had been throughout our lives.
Now, Mama and Papa have grown old and frail. They have difficulty caring for themselves, but refuse to admit it. Their children see the decline before their very eyes, but feel powerless to help…Why? Mama and Papa love their independence and abhor the thought of being placed in a long-term care facility. Finally, Mama unleashes her most potent weapon, a guilt trip: “A mother has a place for 10 children, but 10 children don’t have a place for one mother.” In other words, children, if you really loved me, you would take Papa and me into your home, instead of making us homeless. Pretty powerful words, but as Erma Bombeck observed: “Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.”
Are children powerless in the face of this emotional crisis? Not really, for I believe they simply need to know how to access the assistance their aging parents need. I suggest that the first plan of action is to consult with a geriatric care manager who can visit Mama and Papa’s place and fully assess the situation: Are they taking their medications? Are they eating nutritious meals? What is their medical status, neurological condition, disabilities, etc.? Will they be able to stay in their residence with part-time or full-time help? What level of care in the community is most appropriate for them? Above all, the geriatric care manager and the children must discuss the situation with Mama and Papa’s longtime, trusted personal physician. My experience has shown that one’s parents are more likely to listen to the guidance of a personal physician than that of their children. After all, their doctor is a medical authority, while their children… will always be children.
What happens, though, if the parents reject their physician’s advice?
The answer lies in the story of Rose. Rose was an aging mother who lived alone for many years in an apartment she loved, far out in the country, about four hours’ distance from her daughter Sylvia. When Rose took ill with a serious heart condition, Sylvia brought her back to Long Island for hospitalization followed by recuperation at Gurwin. When I met with Sylvia, she told me: “Rabbi, please convince Mother that it is in her best interest to live on Long Island, where I can look after her and take care of her in the event of a recurrence. She lives far away and is a walking time-bomb. Who will look after her if something like this happens again?” When I met with Rose, I repeated Sylvia’s argument in my own words. I will never forget her response: “Rabbi, I am an old lady and very sick, it’s true. But I want to live out my days, whatever I have left, in the home that I love. My daughter means well, but it’s my life and my decision.”
Yes it’s true, as parents and children grow older, life often comes full circle: parents become children and their children become their parents. Parents become children, when they are unable to make their own decisions and unwilling to do what is in their best interests. It is then when children truly become parents to their parents, that they may need to exercise tough love. Even though our parents may not have wanted to live in a nursing home, it truly is a better alternative to living like hermits in their own home, without any ongoing socialization or the level of medical attention they so desperately need. Tough love is rational, but emotionally painful.
A final thought: honoring one’s father and mother is one of the Ten Commandments. Nobody ever said that this imperative was going to be easy. In fact, it’s a challenge at every age and stage of our lives. Yet, let’s remember that it was our parents who brought us into this world and set us on the path of life — a debt we can never repay. In the words of that old Jewish song: “I know that I am what I am today because of that little old lady so old and gray.” The Bible promises us that if we honor our parents throughout their lives, we will be blessed with living to a ripe old age. Let this be our blessing!
Rabbi Schostak is the director of pastoral care at the Gurwin Jewish Nursing & Rehabilitation Center.
